I make love to myself in my dreams

“Are we going to do this?”

I make love to myself in my dreams. 

My lovemaking dreams recur every few months, evolving in form over the years. The dreams were initially characterized by guilt and disgust. 

I distinctly remember one dream from two years ago: 

I was in a small bathroom at a college party, passionately making out with a new guy I met. When I pulled away to look at him, he looked exactly like me—big, full cheeks. I found him unattractive, yet I kept wanting to kiss him. I felt a sense of guilt while kissing him, telling myself, “You don’t like him enough; this isn’t fair to him,” but I couldn't resist kissing him more. 

It was this strange mix of thrill and guilt—as if I knew I’d be leading myself on with a casual hook up, but I couldn’t help myself. I also remember feeling like I was cheating on a partner, but somehow it felt okay, or even necessary. 

The dream depicted a process of opening up to self love amidst feelings of shame.

Loving myself was a guilty pleasure, a sin akin to cheating on a partner. Growing up, I was taught to live entirely for other people, to become whatever they wanted from me—self love would have meant cheating on them, the ultimate betrayal. I wasn’t allowed to have a self, let alone love it.

“You don’t like him enough; this isn’t fair to him.”

It felt wrong to lead myself on like that if I didn’t feel ready to fully commit to myself. Self love felt like a dirty one night stand in a college bathroom. I didn’t want to admit how much I actually liked it.

That was two years ago. The dreams are more erotic now.

This week, I had a dream where I stole a girl named Kelsey—my name—from my ex, and the two of us hooked up instead. 

I was initially quite jealous of her, especially when I found out we shared the same name. She was cute, petite, so sweet, and incredibly charming. And for some unknown reason, I was being forced to get to know her—I didn’t have a choice. I begrudgingly hung out with her. To my surprise, I really enjoyed her presence, though some feelings of resentment blocked me from connecting with her on a deeper level.

I felt a strange mix of aggression towards her and sexual desire for her. She was so open and comfortable in her skin. As we got closer, she gracefully whispered to me, “Are we going to do this?” 

She was coming on to me, as if I knew exactly what she was talking about, as if we were destined to hook up. Clearly we want to do this—are we going to do this? 

It hadn’t crossed my mind that hooking up with her, Kelsey, was a possibility. But she wanted me. I was over here wanting to extinguish her so I could have my ex—but she wanted me! 

What a concept—choosing to make love to each other instead. 

The idea terrified me. I tried to play it cool, but I was extremely intimidated by her. And I was afraid of being rejected by her. Yet she was so warm and so welcoming.

In the dream, as in life, I’m being forced to get to know myself, and I resent “her” at first. I view her as a threat to the relationship I think I want, which blocks us from connecting on a deeper level. But Kelsey is oh so charming, and so loving, and I’m surprised by how much I like what I see—I want her. And she wants me, too.

The thought of making love to her was terrifying. She felt out of my league—a very different feeling from the dream two years ago, when I was quite unattracted to myself. Now, I was intimidated by myself. Now, I’m out of my own league. She seemed all too powerful—full and whole and complete in herself.

To risk giving myself to her, to surrender to the ecstasy of complete and total self love, feels dangerous.

Naughty.

“Are we going to do this?” She repeats.